Let the baby-naming wars begin

My sister Heidi and her husband Mike, as the first bearers of the next generation in both families, get their pick of baby names. They have chosen the gosh darn best name ever for the Bun—good work, kids. Meanwhile, my sister Erica and I are stewing over the fact that there is 1 less awesome name to choose from for our future progeny, especially since we all seem to be going (or wanting to go) the biblical route. Stewing, I tell you! Well, at least we stewed together once–and Erica may well have recovered since then. And did we actually have this conversation I seem to remember . . . or am I making it up? Why is it so hard to remember any specifics all of a sudden? Did I dream this? It this an early onset of Alzheimers? Have I ever really talked to Erica before?? Am I losing my mind!?

Excuse me while I hop off the train tracks that lead to insanity and return to the mental forest of peace and little furry animals. Ommmmm . . . ommmmmm . . . ommmmm . . . Yes, I am taking you on a blogging journey through my brain, and I can only hope there are no casualties.

But moving on! The only thing I dislike about the biblical path is that there aren’t as many fantastic girl names to choose from as one might like, especially since I’m nixing Rahab up front. Great woman, but folks—she did start things off as a prostitute. And while I personally don’t hold that against her (and in fact greatly admire the woman), I sense that this child’s classmates, despite their general lack of biblical knowledge, would quickly zero in on the book of Joshua, discover this little tidbit, and use it to little Rahab’s detriment on the playground. And being called a “prostitute” . . . well, it’s no girl’s idea of a good time.

Ever since my sisters and I were little, the subject of baby names has been a favorite and controversial topic. At various points in my youth I wanted to name my children (who would inevitably be girls) “Tzeitel” (from Fiddler on the Roof) and “Anemone” (as in the plant thingy that grows in the ocean–or is it an animal? You never know with those weird tubular looking things). “Moonbeam” and “Starlight” were probably right up there for me as well. Heidi favored the name “Lilypad” (note to concerned family members: not a name in the running for The Bun–but only ’cause it ain’t biblical). However, Erica set me straight when she recommended the following names for my future children: Poofball and Explosivo.

You know, looking at Erica’s baby pictures, I think this one could have been called Poofball:

Poofball primping in the bathtub.

And this one could have easily been named Explosivo:

Explosivo sporting her first pair of high heels.

One summer many years ago, Erica and I sat down with a baby name book and garnered some brilliant ideas. I recently rediscovered the piece of paper on which we wrote them all down–interestingly enough, it was stuffed between the pages of a hefty hardcover Bible that I have long forsaken in favor of my smaller, purple, purse-friendly TNIV (or as I like to call it, my ‘Tiny NIV’). Does that mean something? Something about the authority of Scripture over the children we had planned all these names for? Something about naming your child Amos after the prophet and not Gewürztraminer after your favorite wine? Is it a sign?

I think it just means I didn’t want the list to get wrinkled in my purse, but you can never be too sure.

Anyway, the names on the list that follows were our absolute favorites, and I just know Erica and Dave will draw from this reserve to name their football-team posse of kiddos. I will put the meanings of these marvelous names to the right.

Carny Bertie                                   Happy winning

Nutan Odelette                             Heart melodic

Pabiola Dajón                                Small gifted girl

Eppy Snooks                                  Lively, always “on”

Smiley Gobnat                              Gobnat means “cuddly”

Dempsey Benedicta                    Respected and blessed

In a fit of inspiration, we added two gratuitous made-up names to the list which might just top the charts. I have added my personal interpretation of their meanings:

Kodak Klarkokardiac                  Photographic heart attack

Gladiola Laudiola                         Applauded garden flower

It’ll be hard to narrow it down, but personally, I’m thinking of going with “Smiley Gobnat”. I’ve always wanted a smiling, cuddly-faced child. Plus, we can call him “Gob” for short. Or her! I think “Gob” would work well for either gender. All I can say is, it’s a mad rush to snatch up the top baby names. A mad rush, I tell you.

These two munchkins could very well have been named Eppy Snooks and Nutan Odelette. . . though Eppy is not looking very “on”. I was probably grumpy because Erica got the cute little bear suit.

Yes, it’s taken me years to get over coveting that bear suit.

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11 Responses to Let the baby-naming wars begin

  1. LOL. Please don’t name your children any of these. For their sake :)

  2. Sarah says:

    hilarious names! my husband & i have already picked out baby names, even though we’re years away from having kids. we’re not telling anyone our names so they don’t get stolen! :) but we have gone the biblical route too- one biblical name, one non-biblical name.

  3. Kay says:

    There is a little girl named Eppy in my church, and she is a fireball in the pre-K class. I no longer teach that pre-K class! Great post, Jenna.

  4. Jen says:

    You and Erica have true talent. You should publish a “Name Your Baby” book! But I think that you should copyright Kodak Klarkokardiac. The name is far too… unique to actually be used for be more than one child. And please, please, PLEASE introduce me to the daughter you choose to name Kodak Klarkokardiac.

    I swear I will do my darnedest to not giggle…like I do every time I think of the name. However, I warn you that no guffawing will be held back when I hear dear li’l Gladiola Laudiola’s name.

  5. Weighting For 50 says:

    Holy smokes, I’m laughing so hard at the names! I know I really shouldn’t in case there are READ Kodaks or Smileys reading this…..

  6. Weighting For 50 says:

    OOPS…..I meant REAL Kodaks or Smileys. OOPS….

  7. Twinky says:

    My sides ache and my laugh is hoarse!! Hysterical!! …although I notice that Twinkle-dink-the-Pink is not in your top-10 list…. I guess there can only be one of me, huh?!?! I must say, Kodak Klarkokardiac outdoes them all…

  8. Carrie says:

    Jenna, HELP!!! I’ve been just now looking at pictures of someone else’s baby, and it made me kinda want one. Then I read this post and all the possibilities for a baby Pazdawhowho came together in one overwhelming confluence of awesomeness! Save me!!!

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